


he who crafted you created the universe

by firel0rdsdaddyissues



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Idiots in Love, M/M, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Requited Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:22:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28443114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firel0rdsdaddyissues/pseuds/firel0rdsdaddyissues
Summary: At 15, Bucky swore he found God when Steve's mouth pressed against his for the first time. At 18, Bucky denounced his faith and he ran away to university in a different state. At 25, Bucky was reminded of what salvation looked like, but couldn't bring himself to decide whether to embrace or turn away from it.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13





	1. Salvation

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! I just wanted to jump in and say that there is slight religious imagery in this fic. Hopefully its not overbearing or anything but God is often used as a metaphor for how Bucky processes things, so if that makes you uncomfortable or that's not your jam this fic might not be for you. But, if you stick around I hope you enjoy!

Bucky Barnes remembers the first time he saw God. 

He was 15 years old, in front of the open window in his bedroom next to his best friend Steve Rogers. It was hot, too hot, they were in thin t-shirts and shorts, Winifred Barnes kept supplying the family with pitchers of lemonade and those intensely patriotic tri-flavored red-white-and-blue popsicles. Besides the nearly unlivable scorching heat: it was a good day. Steve’s mom was on a late shift at the hospital so Steve came over to sit up in Bucky’s top floor room of the creaky old Barnes’s brownstone. 

Contrary to popular belief 15-year old boys could be kind and compassionate and thoughtful, as evidence of Steve’s existence. He was the light of Bucky’s life and just a year before Bucky had realized that not every friendship felt like this. His whole life was centered on Steve Rogers, whether he liked it or not, and it wasn’t exactly a secret. For example, that time just two weeks ago when Bucky had come home with bruised knuckles and a busted lip. His mom gave him hell before cleaning up the wounds and muttering under her breath, for just Bucky to hear, “Dear lord James, is there anything you wouldn’t do for that boy?” It was a common exasperation from his mom, who’d quite taken to little Stevie Rogers, she wasn’t actually mad she was just confused, maybe she wished the world was a bit nicer to the little guy. 

They’d met when they were eight years old, Steve was getting dirty half-formed snowballs thrown at him on the way home from school. Bucky was following the bullies when he saw a particularly big slug pile bang Steve on the back of the head causing him to slip and cut his hands on the rough snow-cleared icy pavement. They were a block away from his old house, the one he’d discovered his God in, so he ran Steve over to his momma telling her about how mean the kids were and begged her to clean up Stevie’s hands, which she was going to do anyway without his coercion. They’d been stuck at the hip ever since. 

Anyways, back to the fateful summer day in Bucky’s fifteenth year when he’d found salvation. It’s simple, Bucky had always been dubious about God or any religious figure, but his parents did. His mom was Jewish and his dad was raised Catholic, they’d had both Christmas and Hanukkah growing up but neither believed in one so much the other had converted. It was just how it was. 

But you see when your best friend complains about never being kissed, how no one will ever kiss a little half-deaf guy with asthma and an off-beat heart that wants to be an artist but is truly color-blind. Oh, the irony of little Stevie Roger’s life. He believes he is unloved but the person who loves him most in the world is sitting right next to him, looking at him like he’s hung the stars and was personally responsible for their fire. 

When Bucky then offers to kiss him, you know for practice or for experience, any excuse works for him, it’s easy. When Steve looks at him with pure shock in his bright blue eyes, cherry red at the apples of his cheeks and sweat at his temples from the heat, and purple stained lips from the popsicles, Bucky thinks maybe it's not so easy. But Steve says okay, then asks if he’s sure, then leans over and kisses him square on the mouth. 

Truly, it's nothing to write home about, Steve’s lips are cold and sticky from the frozen treats but his breath is hot, firm but still uncoordinated and he nearly misses the mark, but yet Bucky’s world implodes. He swears in that moment everything in the world was clear, that every little thing made sense. He swears he almost got down on his knees and wept, raising folded hands to the sky praising thanks and gratefulness, his creator allowed for this to happen and brought him the only angel on Earth. He swears it was a revelation, the sweetness of Steve’s lips on his, he could’ve told you all the secrets of the universe because they were found in those plump popsicle-stained lips.


	2. here in our home

At the ripe old age of 25, Bucky regrets to inform you that that kiss on that sweltering day, was his first and his last kiss with Steve. That day, after it happened, they both blushed, turning their rosy cheeks almost purple. Then after a beat they exchanged slight laughs, bumping shoulders, then never spoke about it again. But Bucky would be lying if he said he didn’t pathetically think about it almost everyday. They continued as normal: going to high school, hanging out almost every day as if Bucky’s world wasn’t so off-kilter it was almost perfect. 

Then college separated them, Steve stayed in New York attending NYU and majored in Studio Art but Bucky and all of his deep nerdy tendencies led him to MIT where he double majored in Mechanical Engineering and Chemistry. He ended up staying in Massachusetts to immerse himself in graduate studies but his connection to Steve suffered. His parents called him every weekend, Sunday at 5pm on-the-dot, and his sisters texted him almost non-stop. But Stevie? It became harder and harder to make calls, more difficult to process texts, especially when Bucky didn’t want to spend the rest of his life hung up on his childhood best friend. He told himself he needed space, maybe a little bit of time, but then a semester turned to two and four years turned to six and the only contact he maintains with Steve are birthday and holiday messages, the occasional like on an Instagram picture, or view on a story between one social media or the next.

Due to all of this, the idea of returning to New York for the best job opportunity of his life, shakes him a little bit. Stark Industries has just hired him for a position in their Research and Development sector, starting immediately, and so he’s had to set up with his parents to stay at home in his old bedroom until he could find a place more suitable. It’s all fine. 

His dad and his sister Beth come to his small apartment in Cambridge and pack up all his stuff into their SUV and they’re off. They laugh and joke on their way back home but Bucky’s mind is filled with this weird dread of returning to this weird paradoxical small town masquerading as a big city. It isn’t that he left in bad spirits, or that he hasn’t returned since he left, of course there have been winter holidays but summers, even as an undergrad, he’s remained in Massachusetts for one reason or another. Whenever he’d come back in those seven years it wasn’t to stay, he’d always had somewhere else to return to, with other friends and projects waiting for him, but now he was coming back to his old stomping ground and he was supposed to make it home once again. Back to a place where he knew most of his old friends never left, specifically Steve, and it was daunting the idea that maybe he’d see him walking down the street like he had that day when they’d met for the first time, hopefully sans snow sludge. 

Home was as it always was, an old narrow brown building with four stories that had belonged to the Barnes’s for what felt like forever. He lived here his whole life with three sisters: Becca, Beth, and Belle, of course those weren’t actually their names but their parents apparently couldn’t put away the idea of cutesy nicknames so they all had one that stuck, for example, “Bucky.” He had considered going by James when he began college, fresh start and all that, but it just felt weird, like it didn’t belong, which is why he let it slide that his youngest sister went by Belle instead of her real name Katherine. Becca was Rebecca, Beth was Elizabeth, and Belle was Katherine (Bucky had suspected that their parents didn’t know what to call her that started with a “B” but still wanted to name her Katherine, but when she was born with beautiful brown locks and honey colored eyes they calling her Belle after the princess and it just worked). They were the bane of his existence and loves of his life. The latter however was not true in moments like these where Beth was singing too loudly in his ear as the car came to a stop and both Becca and Belle came running out of the house at full speed like 5-year-olds to tackle their older brother to the ground as he stepped out of the car. 

His mom, however, was beautiful and great at all times. He would say he was a dead ringer for his dad in physicality but he was a momma’s boy and had accidentally soaked up most of her personality traits and mannerisms when he’d spent too much time with her in the kitchen as a small boy. So, he truly wasn’t home until he wrangled his sisters off of him and hugged his mom. She shuffled him into the house, declaring that she’d had three other kids and a husband who were all capable of carrying his belongings up the multiple flights of stairs to his old room. No one argued with her, stubbornness was a trait Bucky was thankful for picking up, and was pushed to the table where she fluttered around him to get dinner ready. Murmurs of “you must be starving” and “do you want a snack” were had until the rest of his family declared their completion and sat down at the table with him. It was fun and loud and home, he smiled.


	3. it’s all I’ve ever wanted

Stark Industries tower was big and quite frankly, ridiculous. There was an AI who embodied the whole building and even greeted you at the door. Getting in on his first day after arrival was a hassle of paperwork: non-disclosures, employment verifications, and making a badge to get into the building so that everyday wasn’t a nightmare. 

He truly did not expect to actually meet Tony Stark on his first day, however, but that is exactly what happened. 40 minutes after his arrival, he was finally making his way into the building using the directory from the front desk, when a shorter tan man with slightly crazed brown hair atop his head, a perfectly groomed goatee, and yellow sunglasses walked right in front of him and stood still staring right through Bucky’s soul, not even breaking eye contact when he took a swig of the coffee in his hands. Bucky was unnerved. It was okay though, he’d heard tales of Stark Industries and the oddities that went on in the halls of the building so a random man who was intensely looking at him and began almost skipping backwards as Bucky got closer to maintain the overbearing stare, couldn’t have been the weirdest thing in the world.

“Who are you?” the weird man finally asked.

“Uh… I’m James Barnes. First day.” He hesitantly answered.

“You don’t look like a James.” said the man.

“Yeah well, my friends usually call me something else. Excuse me though, I’m already late.” 

“Really?” says the man turning around to walk next to him, “My name is Anthony, but my friends, well really the entire world, tend to call me Tony.” 

Bucky stops and turns to face the man who is jittering in what seems like caffeine overdose or general hyperactivity, and really looks to verify what this man has just said. It’s Tony Stark, multi-billionaire, and his new boss. Of course, he’s just been rude to him, which is great. 

“So James, you’ve had the moment. I’d shake your hand but I don’t generally touch people I’ve just met unless they’re really lucky. You’re new to the job… Barnes? R&D right? I’m heading there now. Maybe on the way, we’ll become friends and you can tell me whatever Not-James name people tend to call you, alright Rebel Without A Cause? Lets go.”

He gets in the elevator and Stark is talking a mile-a-minute and it’s not mindless chatter you normally get from crazy people, which is what Stark is, a crazy person. He’s talking about actual projects, equations, mistakes, successes, ideas. He’s talking about Bucky’s dissertation like he read it and really liked it, Bucky hadn’t even realized that possibility. He asks questions but answers them himself before Bucky can even get a word in, then they’re walking down a hallway and they’ve arrived. Stark himself shows him to his standing desk in his own lab, explains accommodations, says he’s free to meet the other people who normally stay on the floor or head up to the other three full of R&D, says he’ll specifically want to head one floor up and speak to Dr. Bruce Banner who is head of the department (and one of the most infamous scientists of his time) but he’ll want to knock first. Or if he runs into Dr. Jane Foster, who is one floor down, to get on her good side he should say something about space, “she loves asteroids,” he says.

Then he starts to walk out, “It’s Bucky,” Bucky calls out after him. Stark turns around for a moment and sizes him up. 

“Alright ‘It’s Bucky,’” he says before walking out, “good luck.” 

He then turns to the pile of existing files on his desk and plugs in a drive to the computer and starts to do his job.

-

A few weeks later he isn’t quite as unnerved by Tony Stark or his ostentatious office building. Still he can’t recommend being walked in on while your headphones are blaring Queen songs into your ears and your back is to the door while you’ve been working on an equation for the last half hour, then being horrified when a random hand reaches over your shoulder and writes the answer in red dry erase marker like a teacher correcting a student’s work. 

He’s also taken to venturing throughout the building. In his first few days he’d managed to meet both Dr. Banner and Dr. Foster, and charmed the former into a lunch where they’d picked each other's brains. It was quite a nice gig, he honestly couldn’t ask for better, it was like the stars had aligned for him to get this job. 

That was until his third week, he was twenty-days into his new job, and he saw him. His childhood best friend standing just inside the door to his office, broad-shouldered and all grown-up, listening as Tony Stark stood at Bucky’s desk, showing his affinity for his own voice. 

Bucky didn’t know how to react, besides of course almost dropping his coffee, but definitely dropping the paper bag that held his bagel. At the small noise both faces turned to him as he bent down to pick up his breakfast, one that appeared to be of smug neutrality and another of complete and utter shock.

“Bucky?” Steve asked, the shock was undeniable. 

“Hiya Stevie.” Bucky said, feeling completely out of his depth and honestly on the verge of tears. 

“Do you two know each other?” Stark asks from the background. 

They’re still looking at each other when Bucky answers, “We grew up together, same street.” 

They don’t move to do anything, there’s no hug or declarations of love or tears, like Bucky had imagined for years. There’s almost nothing besides a flash in Steve’s eyes that tells him absolutely nothing. They stand there staring at each other for a frankly uncomfortable amount of time, this is the most silence he’s ever gotten out of Stark. Then he moves, there’s enough room to move past Steve without touching him once he looks down and away, the office is an indecent size. He knows Steve’s eyes follow him as he sets his bag and food down, snatches his pen out of Stark’s hands, and begins to log into his computer. 

“Well, this isn’t awkward at all. Bucky Bear, I’ve come to invite you to the Stark Industries Ball After Party. It’s extremely exclusive, invite only, all that. There’s the formal stuff yada yada, but what I’m offering is an extraordinary amount of booze and way less paps. Good friends only, glad you already know the Cap over here, he’ll be there too.”

Bucky had already known about the ball, everyone knew about the ball. Everyone he’d known in R&D were going, including Dr. Banner and Dr. Foster. It was a fancy event, dressing up, shining shoes, the whole shebang. He was invited, he knew he was going to go, good impressions and all that, but he didn’t know what to do about this new invitation. 

He also didn’t know what to do about Little Stevie Rogers, now Big Steven Rogers, standing in the same room as him. It was weird, like their decade long friendship had dissipated, he’d known him for nearly the same amount of time he’d spent trying to un-know him and now he was just standing there and--

“Cap?” was the first thing he’d said in response.

“Cap is Mr. Apple Pie over here, I believe you called him Stevie.”

“Tony.” Steve spoke up, short, clipped. 

“Yeah okay, so will you come Buckaroo?”

He hesitated. On one hand, this was his boss, who seemed to somehow take a liking to him, inviting him to an exclusive party. Networking and being “in” with the right people would take him far, and just the image of turning down this invitation three weeks after the job would send a bad signal to Tony, and perhaps Dr. Banner or Dr. Foster. But on the other hand, Steven fucking Rogers was standing less than twenty feet away from him, friendly enough with the same Tony Stark who employed Bucky. Friendly enough to stand aimlessly, in an office that he was unfamiliar with as Tony spoke out of his ass from Bucky’s comfortable office chair, only there for use when he brought the standing desk down for typing business. His job mattered more than this man who he’d spent years trying to get over. 

“Yeah, I should be able to come.” He wagered that no matter how exclusive the party seemed to be based on Stark’s word, it truly wouldn’t be that small because well “small” to Tony Stark could be anywhere from ten to two-hundred. He truly thought it was probably closer to the second. So with that, and one last confusing glance, Tony the Whirlwind swept out of the room with an arm up and around Steve’s big shoulders ushering him out. 

“By the way Bacon, the big guy upstairs wants to see you ASAP.” was the last thing he heard before they disappeared down the hall and into the elevator. 

He collapsed in his chair for about ten minutes before gulping down his coffee, forgetting about his bagel, and escaping upstairs to Dr. Banner’s office for a welcome distraction. Everything was fine.


	4. and all I’ve ever known

The thing about it though, was that it wasn’t. That night he got home well past dinner at about 9:30, early enough for everyone to still be awake but late enough that they were all lazing about in their own spaces. Even though his sisters were mostly grown, except Belle who was only a sophomore in high school, it was just easier for all of them to live at home and cheaper too. 

He skipped out on the plate of food he knew his mother left for him, not hungry despite skipping breakfast and lunch and replacing them with Stark-levels of caffeine in the form of both energy drinks and coffee. He’d ended up staying in Dr. Banner’s lab all day working on a complex project that neither of them had quite cracked yet, it would be nice to delve into the project’s madness for the next few days to quiet his mind now that he knew Steve was alive and kicking and looking better than ever and also friends with his boss. It was one thing to see that late growth spurt on his phone screen and stare at disbelief but it was another to see it in person. 

If there was one person in the house he loved almost as much as his mom, it was Becca. He knew he shouldn’t play favorites with his little sisters, but he couldn’t help that Becca was his confidant. She knew him better than he knew him, “twin telepathy” she always said, even though they were nearly two years apart. When he would point that out, she’d always say that no one would ever know. He guessed it was true, they both shared an uncanny amount of features stolen from their dad. The dark chocolate brown waves, fair skin, piercing blue eyes, and the dimple at their chins. If Bucky’s sharp jaw and perpetual five o’clock shadow were gone and softer features replaced them, you’d get Becca. His other sisters had lighter brown hair and soft brown eyes, just like their mom. 

One of those things Becca knew about Bucky before he himself knew it, was his undying love for Steven Grant Rogers. She was always hyper aware of emotions and had a deep interest in the human condition which were things that were going to make her a fantastic psychologist when she finished the doctorate program at Columbia she’d been attending. He remembers after he kissed Steve that one time (or maybe Steve kissed him, he knows it’s the second one but he asked for it and he doesn’t know which is worse honestly) he went to Becca right after Steve had left the next morning and cried in her room about how pathetic he was. He loved her for wiping his tears and smiling softly when he’d admitted out loud that he loved his best friend for the first time. 

Over the last few years he’s ignored her tight smiles and guarded eyes as he has mentioned anything flings to childhood memories. Around year three of living in Massachusetts, he’d come to accept that Becca never actually cut off contact from Steve, none of his family did. Their moms still had lunch together every once in a while and since Steve’s late bloom and Bucky’s absence, someone has needed to help George with some handiwork or building projects. It simply was Steve, he was still around and it wasn’t weird for him, or maybe it was and no one ever mentioned it. He was just there, Becca knew who Steve’s friends were and where they hung out and who Steve had grown into in his seven year disappearance more than Bucky could even fathom. He tried to act like it was okay and he figured it had to be. Steve’s only family was his mom and Bucky’s family had too many arms and they were all open. Some deep, horrifying part of him always clawed its way into the front of his mind to tell him he should be happy that the love of his life is close to his family but really it makes him nauseous because he knows it's a roadblock in trying to get over him. 

Becca is exactly where he needs her to be, sitting up on her bed with her laptop open on her lap. She’s watching something, probably on Netflix, and she looks so comfortable in her pajamas and her hair up in a bun on her head with her thick black square glasses on her face. But she still shuts the laptop abruptly when she sees Bucky and waves him into the room. When he collapses on her bed, he knows she knows what has happened. It felt inevitable. New York was not as big as they made it out to be. 

“What happened Buck?” It’s a question asked for appearance, confirmation. 

“I saw him.” She knows “him” is only one person.

“When?” She asks softly, he won’t look at her face. 

“This morning,” it spills out of him, “he was just there standing in my office, with goddamned Tony Stark. Like they were friends or something. He was just there, he just looked at me. God Becks, he didn’t even say anything. Just stood there like a marble statue watching me.” 

“Did you say anything?”

She knows he didn’t, she asks it anyways. He hangs his head and hot tears run from his eyes and fall into his lap. She hugs him then. 

“Why is it still so hard?” She won’t have the answer but maybe the question isn’t for her.


	5. lives have been changed

When Bucky is 19, he turns his back on God and epiphanies. He firmly tells himself that hormones, aesthetic beauty, and well-bred boys do not equal salvation or religious experience. 

He tells himself this when he’s spent the hours between midnight and 2am crying silently in his dorm room so as to not wake his roommate. He tells himself that there are no secrets to the universe and all he wants to do is get his dick sucked without a pool of something that is decidedly not pleasure clawing in his stomach. He tells himself that Steve Rogers is a phony crush born out of excessive time together (or did he beg to spend as much time as possible with him because of the crush that was already there) and it doesn’t matter. It’s all too hard. He doesn’t know when to breathe or when to sob. 

He forms a plan to stay the summer at an internship in Boston, it’s at some big company that’s probably done more harm than good to society but he takes it anyways. If Steve knew about it, he’d probably kick his ass (he probably did know about it). His parents understand and help him sort out living accommodations, it’s nice and independent and the work makes him happy. He misses his family, but even with over a hundred miles between them, they still manage to bug and annoy him. Steve, not so much. 

It’s that first summer, when Bucky declines Steve’s offer to come to New York for him for his Fourth of July birthday and downright refuses to let Steve come down and see him. He says “traffic, it's a holiday weekend, I don’t want you to drive in that,” Steve argues and says he misses him but a firm “No, Steve” ends the conversation. 

They don’t talk again until two weeks later when Bucky sends the requisite “Happy Birthday All-American boy. Love you, Stevie.” Steve sends back a “I love you too, Bucky. Miss you.” A “miss you too” is sent back and they miraculously don’t message again until Thanksgiving and Bucky can't tell if that's his doing or Steve's (it hurts either way). They miss each other when Bucky comes home because he’s with his new friend Sam who invited him to spend the holiday in New Orleans with his grandmother and quite large extended family. 

One night, when he was crying over the phone to Becca, before she’d implemented her tight lip strategy, she’d put Bucky in his place. He didn’t listen, he was a grown man, he didn’t need his baby sister giving him life advice. 

“Bucky do you realize this makes no sense?” She’d said. “Do you realize you’ve completely cut out your best friend from your life and you won’t even tell him why?”

He was angry then. “You don’t know anything.” He gritted through his teeth.

“Of course I know everything. You’re the dumb one Buck. He comes here every week with a goddamn pie for ma from Sarah. He sits in the kitchen with her and asks about you. He comes up to my room and says hello then he gives Beth a five dollar bill and leaves.” A dumb tradition he’d started when they were 16 and Steve got his first job bagging groceries, 11-year-old Beth asked for five dollars and he handed her one, she asked him every time she saw him. “He’s still here. You’re the one who ran away and he doesn’t know why. He’s hurting too, because he’s fucking confused Buck.”

“Shut up Becca.” was all he could say.

“No, Bucky. You listen. You can’t push him away because you’re scared it makes you a fucking coward.”

He hung up on her. They didn’t speak until she’d called him two months later, after her first real break-up with her high school sweetheart, Jimmy Fitzgerald from down the street. He’d offered to come home and smash his face in for breaking his little sister’s heart. Instead their mom brought her to visit him that weekend and he held her tight. Everything was fine after that except she tiptoed around speaking about Steve or anything really from his pre-University social life.

**Author's Note:**

> Hiya! This is only my second fic ever and my first one in this fandom. I hope everyone likes the start, its a work in progress. Please let me know what you think in the comments!


End file.
